***Apparently I have been updating the wrong blog link...here are the last few entries.
CONVERSATION ON FREE-WRITE EXERCISE:
CONVERSATION ON FREE-WRITE EXERCISE:
When and where did you decide to do a free-write exercise?
Well, I just moved into a new place and while things have been hectic for a little bit, I decided to take care of this class assignment sitting on the deck of my new barn-house loft overlooking the trees and vineyards in Sebastopol, CA. My mind has been racing with things to do, plans for the future, schoolwork to catch up on, etc. and my new serene space seemed like the perfect place to purge these thoughts outside of my brain.
What did you write about?
Wedding planning...and how I have not enjoyed a single moment of it. I wrote about how I don't really care about the whole wedding part, I care about what happens after the wedding. I want to focus on mine and my partner's every day life, not this one day out of our lives. I wrote that I either want to elope or just have a super casual wedding. I wrote about how other people's expectations or requests have played a big part in confusion about what both my guy and I want. I ranted and raved about how I say that I don't care but I must care if I'm so hesitant to make decisions and so resistant to many ideas that have come up. I realized in my writing, that I am concerning myself with what other people expect and want. I also realized that my own expectations of my wedding day are conflicting.
Can you give examples of your conflicting thoughts/ideas?
Yes. For example, I want the event to be easy, simple, pretty & stress-free. I want to be able to spend quality time with every person that comes. I want it to be small and intimate but I don't want to exclude any of my favorite people. I want it to be inexpensive and find a venue for free-cheap without having to hide that it's a wedding. (I called around to places and I have been quoted prices that have jumped from $300 a day to $2500 day just because I said the "W" word.
How did you feel before, during and after the free-write exercise?
At first, I had to kind of pump myself up to feel uninhibited. I had to remind myself to let the mistakes happen. It was almost involuntary that I would hit the delete button when I knew I typed the wrong letter. It took me a minute into the free-write (or more like free-type) to stop correcting punctuation and spelling. After that, my thoughts weren't interrupted with "oops, I messed up" followed by "oops I corrected my mess up". I really was able to dive deeper into my feelings as opposed to these individual thoughts that were strung together. After the free-write I had a clearer understanding about my wedding day hangups. My hangups are that I do care, so much so that I don't want it to be dictated by other people's expectations or traditions. My other hangup is that I don't know what I truly want. This is something for me to think about next and maybe meditate or practice a free-write which begins thinking about what I want, uninterrupted with outside opinions.
Was this a positive or negative experience?
I would have to say that it was a very positive thing to do. I probably wouldn't have done this without the prompt. Instead, I would kept this all in my head (like I have been). I hide it to not seem like a "Bridezilla" or get tired of hearing my own thoughts out loud. I'm usually one to keep things in my head until I have found a solution. The problem with that is that sometimes I don't have the answers and I can only get them by enlisting the help of others. So, while on one hand I have to go deep within myself to figure out what I want, I am also open to taking any wedding day advice from those who have been there or dream of their wedding day.
Why this video?
The title of this post comes from this song. I like the lyric, "He says it's all in my head. I said so is everything but he didn't get it." It reminded me of all the things that were in my head before the free-write. While this song is not representative of how I am really feeling about anything, I just love the song and the video is cool.
Amy you are my blog hero. Love your voice as it is real and true. Love your topics because they are current and on your mind. Love the images and the read friendly work that you put out. I have subscribed to your blog before and am offically becoming a member of the fan club. Keep up the great reflection and the mad skills as you jugle everything all at once every day.
ReplyDeleteI too enjoy your blog and remember the frustrations of planning a wedding. I did elope in Reno with my husband and close friends due to frustration and finances. Many people were angry with me and after years of watching all my friends have beautiful weddings, I realized I truly missed out on something special. In the end, I had no regrets and finally was able to have a great wedding as we celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary and things were so much easier. I understand how sometimes emotions, stress, and making decisions can force us into not thinking things through. I think you will figure out what you want along the way with meditation and guidance from your heart:) Congratulations its a very special time!!
ReplyDeleteHa. I have both worked a lot of weddings both catering and doing extensive floral arrangements for weddings and planned my own (while pregnant, which I totally do not recommend) and honey, I can tell you there is no way it can go wrong. It's going to be awesome and recruit people to help you. I also need to tell you how much I am loving the format of your blog. So easy to read, love the placement of photos... <3
ReplyDeleteYour blog posts are beautiful Amy! I am so glad that this free write helped. You know for years I worked with family caregivers of people who had dementia. I always encouraged them to free write about their own frustrations and fears or whatever. Often it was the life partner of the child who was providing care... and what do you do when you are struggling and the person who would normally have been the one you would go to can't be that person anymore. What I found through encouraging others, is that I too keep things in my head... until they are 'perfect' or 'resolved' I lose sleep, eat too much, find anyway I can to escape the intensity of my own head! I know free write almost every night before going to bed... it's amazing what comes out of my mixed up and overworked brain, but let me tell you it's better than any sleeping pill I could take!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are finding a way to be true to yourself and your wedding day wishes... since you are open to thoughts, let me share (just because I love to talk about it!). I just got married this past summer for the second time... it was the second for both of us. People tried to tell me how big or little it should be (what is appropriate for a 2nd wedding?), what I could or couldn't wear and who to invite. As hard as it was, I listened and recognized that these were their issues and concerns- not mine! I can hold them with love and respect and still make different choices. So I did it up, I wore white (which my mother wouldn't let me do in my first wedding because I was pregnant), I refused to get my hair done!, I invited only those in my family and friend circles who could come with good energy and love in their heart (some people even declined respectfully because they still held connection to one of our Ex-spouses- but they did it out of love and respect and we knew that) and I made it what I wanted it to be. On the day, it poured rain on my beautiful outdoor wedding! My son walked me down the aisle and with our first step out the door he landed his big old muddy shoe on the bottom of my white dress! The person cuing the recessional music cut off the officiant before he could bless us and give charge to our clan to provide us with ongoing support... so he stopped the music and did his thing, only to have them forget to cue it again when he was done. Let me tell you... I didn't even care! All of the planning in the world can't prevent these things from happening, but if you go into the day with love and intent in your heart and invite your guests to join you in that spirit it will be PERFECT! <3