"He said it's all just in your head and I said, 'so is everything' but he didn't get it." -Fiona Apple

***Apparently I have been updating the wrong blog link...here are the last few entries.

CONVERSATION ON FREE-WRITE EXERCISE:

When and where did you decide to do a free-write exercise?

     Well, I just moved into a new place and while things have been hectic for a little bit, I decided to take care of this class assignment sitting on the deck of my new barn-house loft overlooking the trees and vineyards in Sebastopol, CA. My mind has been racing with things to do, plans for the future, schoolwork to catch up on, etc. and my new serene space seemed like the perfect place to purge these thoughts outside of my brain.

What did you write about?

     Wedding planning...and how I have not enjoyed a single moment of it. I wrote about how I don't really care about the whole wedding part, I care about what happens after the wedding. I want to focus on mine and my partner's every day life, not this one day out of our lives. I wrote that I either want to elope or just have a super casual wedding. I wrote about how other people's expectations or requests have played a big part in confusion about what both my guy and I want. I ranted and raved about how I say that I don't care but I must care if I'm so hesitant to make decisions and so resistant to many ideas that have come up. I realized in my writing, that I am concerning myself with what other people expect and want. I also realized that my own expectations of my wedding day are conflicting.

Can you give examples of your conflicting thoughts/ideas?

    Yes. For example, I want the event to be easy, simple, pretty & stress-free. I want to be able to spend quality time with every person that comes. I want it to be small and intimate but I don't want to exclude any of my favorite people. I want it to be inexpensive and find a venue for free-cheap without having to hide that it's a wedding. (I called around to places and I have been quoted prices that have jumped from $300 a day to $2500 day just because I said the "W" word. 

How did you feel before, during and after the free-write exercise?

     At first, I had to kind of pump myself up to feel uninhibited. I had to remind myself to let the mistakes happen. It was almost involuntary that I would hit the delete button when I knew I typed the wrong letter. It took me a minute into the free-write (or more like free-type) to stop correcting punctuation and spelling. After that, my thoughts weren't interrupted with "oops, I messed up" followed by "oops I corrected my mess up". I really was able to dive deeper into my feelings as opposed to these individual thoughts that were strung together. After the free-write I had a clearer understanding about my wedding day hangups. My hangups are that I do  care, so much so that I don't want it to be dictated by other people's expectations or traditions. My other hangup is that I don't know what I truly want. This is something for me to think about next and maybe meditate or practice a free-write which begins thinking about what I want, uninterrupted with outside opinions.

Was this a positive or negative experience?

     I would have to say that it was a very positive thing to do. I probably wouldn't have done this without the prompt. Instead, I would kept this all in my head (like I have been). I hide it to not seem like a "Bridezilla" or get tired of hearing my own thoughts out loud. I'm usually one to keep things in my head until I have found a solution. The problem with that is that sometimes I don't have the answers and I can only get them by enlisting the help of others. So, while on one hand I have to go deep within myself to figure out what I want, I am also open to taking any wedding day advice from those who have been there or dream of their wedding day. 

Why this video?

     The title of this post comes from this song. I like the lyric, "He says it's all in my head. I said so is everything but he didn't get it." It reminded me of all the things that were in my head before the free-write. While this song is not representative of how I am really feeling about anything, I just love the song and the video is cool.

Silence is Golden Golden...

Paulo Freire always reminded us of complexity, even in language. The word 'silence' stretches way beyond oppression. It also describe something we seek and treasure. It's in silence that we gather our thoughts, center out energy, fell the love and understanding we need for taking action. Quakers, Buddhist meditators and many others use silence to connect with forces larger than ourselves. Freire also valued the reflective possibilities of silence. In 1985, I heard him speak about what he called the "tensions between silence and voice." Silence, which we often see as empty, can represent great activity. "I can spend one hour silent but totally alive. I can speak a lot in silence" he told a crowd at Harvard University. Freire warned teachers not to "emphasize our own voice so much that we impose silence on students" but to "feel out how to get voice from the other side... how to, little by little, go into silence." When we truly choose it, silence is a powerful ally to speech (Dunlap,15)" 

What is "good silence" to me? 

The first thing I think of is music. What would music be like without silence between the notes, the beats, the melody? Silence makes it deeper and makes it move you. 

How does this apply to social work?

Well, when it comes to counseling, I have been taught that a counselor does not give advice but listens and asks questions. In my own experiences or with friends, being able to talk out one's problems or situation, leads to one's own answers. 

Why are good things hard?

Just as eating healthy is difficult (in our culture)...so is staying in silence. 

In my opinion, one of the most difficult parts to silence is the vulnerability. Many people feel uncomfortable in silence (almost like they are naked). Maybe this is why elevators are so awkward, but how do you start and end a one minute conversation with strangers?

 I think it is with silence that we can really hear our own thoughts. How does one truly know one's self without taking the time to listen? Just today, I listened to a TED talk which was incredibly inspiring about the power of listening to other people's stories, the power of vulnerability and the power of self-acceptance. Here is the link to a social worker/researcher/storyteller's lesson through her work...

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability